I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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