i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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