Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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