when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
