Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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