i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
