4 words: hood of his car
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
