Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
