I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
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What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
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do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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