Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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