You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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