My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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