hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
