well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
