I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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