Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
