i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
This toilet bowl is my home.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
