She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
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worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
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Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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