I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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