Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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