I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
