i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
