You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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