I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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