she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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