I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
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