enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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