youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
