Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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