I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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