I accidentally had phone sex last night
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the day after is always just damage control
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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