looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
