If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
