I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
My cat gives me a boner
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
