i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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