what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
