apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
it glows. i had to have it.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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