you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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