Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
