but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
