Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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