i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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