TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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