Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
