If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
