bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
