So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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