It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
