I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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