So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
