and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
