It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
did i just pee glitter
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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