she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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