Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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