If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
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No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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