can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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