onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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