new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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