I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
