I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
