dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
