My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
